Anonymous asked: Dear Michelle, how do you handle a manipulative/vindictive supervisor? She ignores my work emails esp. about her behavior and plays nice to my face, but "secretly" holds grievances against me, which she uses to justify her made up rules that she makes out to be for the benefit of everyone, embarrasses me in co. emails, and is now actively tracking my work activities. I talked with my boss about her, but everyone has great job security, hours are tight and I have minimal proof of her bullying. Tx
I swear I already answered this question… seems as if it didn’t post. So sorry for the very late response.
I’m not entirely sure how to answer this. You have sent her emails about her behavior and she hasn’t responded? That is proof of lack of communication. You could show your boss that she’s uncooperative in your attempts to rectify things and understand the situation. As far as the rules that she’s making up - if they’re not right, don’t follow them. If she’s embarrassing you in company emails, you can show those to your boss too. It sounds like she’s leaving a bit of a paper trail if she’s doing that. How do you know she’s tracking your activities? Are you alone? Is she allowed? If your boss won’t help you, go up in the chain until someone will. And if you can’t, then its time you find a new job with people who are respectful to you.
Anonymous asked: Dear Michelle, what can I do in a desperate situation? I'm a young adult living with my abusive father, who I found out is having us kicked out of home in a month, and, other than staying with him, I don't know where else to go. I have no friends or other family, some college education, a part-time job and a full-time class load, and some savings I can't solely live on. I feel like I have no choice but the streets or putting up with him, but I fear the latter might kill one of us. What can I do?
Everyone has friends. Look closer. Is there anyone at all who might let you stay with them for just a little bit while you figure out a solution? Look on Craigslist and see if anyone is subleasing - someone who has an apartment lease but needs someone to take over their room, or someone who lives in a house that’s renting out rooms for a reasonable price (that’s how I found the place I’ve lived for the past two years when I was otherwise going to have nowhere to stay). Often times the subleasing/extra room rentals are fairly inexpensive. And it sounds like you are a person who doesn’t have much, meaning it wouldn’t be difficult for you to move what little you had.
The important thing is that you get away from your abusive father. Being in ANY type of abusive relationship is the worst situation to be in. Its not worth it. Take a deep breath and look around, okay? Its scary and frightening, but sometimes a little change is all you need.
Anonymous asked: Dear Michelle, what do you do if you have a friend who is embarrassed by you? A guy friend who is perfectly wonderful to me when we're hanging out together at our homes, would flake on me in public for the dumbest reasons. After ditching me on a walk to his job I confronted him, and he told me he's embarrassed because I "draw too much attention" and that my mannerisms turn him off. I think I'm quiet and very unobtrusive, and I was quite happy with him wherever, but now I'm not sure. Help? Tx
Alright here’s the deal: a true friend would love you for who you are, good and bad. However, since he seems like he’s important to you and is good otherwise, then it needs to be talked out. Confront him again and make him explain more specifically what he means. Ask him what it is you do that makes him think you draw too much attention, and what mannerisms bother him. Especially if you think you’re quiet and unobtrusive. I mean, I have known people in my life who do attract a lot of attention and are generally too loud but… I put up with it because I cared about them, and he should be the same way. But perhaps if he’s more specific, you can compromise and try not to do the things that apparently bother him - but don’t lose yourself in the process. Best of luck!
Anonymous asked: Dear Michelle, what are some great ways to prioritize your life and achieve your goals? I'm in college and I've wanted to do tons of things: join clubs, move out of home, do student government, the newspaper, work out at the gym, study abroad, learn to sing, dance, cook, eat healthy, build computers, dress nicely and other skills, and of course excel academically. There's just so many potential areas but hardly the time to gain proficiency in them all! How do I succeed without falling flat?
You have your whole life ahead of you. The only way to do them all is to focus one at a time and form a routine. You can also try and combine some of them. For example if you’re in student government and the newspaper, those are already clubs. Moving out of home: don’t rush it. Move when you know you can take care of yourself. Singing and dancing: perhaps take a theater class? Cooking and eating healthy: that’s just a simple matter of buying the right foods when you eat! Dressing nicely: take a day or two, go shopping with some friends who know what they’re doing and have them show you what looks good. Follow those tips with pieces you already own and expand your wardrobe when you can. The important thing is to get a routine that you’re comfortable with and can handle, focus on what you want. If you get overwhelmed, cut back or reorganize. Don’t forget some you time to just relax :)
Anonymous asked: Dear Michelle, is it wise to be friends with someone you considered asking out? I had a friend who, other than having almost everything in common with, was subtly kind of a jerk. I was very insecure and realized I was treated like crap in small ways, during the friendship; even after confessing my feelings I was coldly shut down and then ignored. I cut them out, got some self esteem back, and now I occasionally see them around town, but they still act pretty cold. Am I wrong for being warm? Tx
Being warm to people who have wronged you is not a bad thing. The one thing you want to make sure of is to just not get in a position where you are made to feel terrible again. You can be friendly and warm, giving a hi and a smile, without pursuing a bad relationship again. There’s also nothing wrong with stopping this either. As long as you are not stooping to the level of being intentionally mean, then you’re being the better person in the relationship. My last bit of advice would just be to focus on other people who do treat you better. Forget him/her and be happy!
Anonymous asked: Dear Michelle. I had this group of friends online that I've grown very close too. It's spiraling out of control now. Some of them made other accounts claiming they were another person but they weren't. One of them just passed away from a drunk driving incident. And another is dieing from melanoma and is going into the army. I don't know what to do. My sister is taking it really hard but I'm staying strong. I care more importantly for my sisters well being the most. -lost
What does your sister have to do with this? Are they friends of hers also? (Sorry, that bit confused me.) Also what’s going out of control? The way they’re acting? What’s happening to you guys as a group? (Growing apart, loss, etc).
I’m confused on some of the points, but I’ll try my best to address what I think you want.
A) If people are creating fake identities, then you need to ask them to stop or they’re not worth being friends with.
B) I’m very sorry about a friend passing away. I’ve had this happen and its one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. I’ve still never fully recovered from it. But you’ve gotta hold on to every good memory you have, cherish every moment you had (and cherish every moment you have with people who are still alive, because you never know what will happen).
C) The friend dying from melanoma/going to the army: You just have to have hope that this person is doing what they want in their last days, and also have hope that something could change and their life could be spared.
D) Tell your sister you love her and try and give her hope. Give her good things to focus on. Don’t focus on the bad (either of you.)
I hope things get better for you.
Anonymous asked: This is continued from my question about me & my ex being friends again. I've also tried before to be friends with him a few months ago, but I don't know.. Is it better that it's been a while since we've gone out, or does he just not want to be my friend? Pleasee help because if I'm not friends with him I most likely will have no one to talk to at camp, because he's popular there!
Being friends might definitely be a lot easier now that some time has gone. Its not a guarantee, but it is a possibility. You also have to accept the fact that he might not want to be friends with you. And its not necessarily because he harbors negative feelings towards you. Perhaps its just too hard for him. Maybe it feels awkward. Maybe he’s hurting and wants to focus on other parts of his life for a while to remind him of who he is. You can grant that by being nice towards him as mentioned before. Just try and stay positive and friendly, and I think everything could fall into place on its own.
Anonymous asked: I go to camp with my ex, and I want to be friends with him again so during the summer there won't be tension, and people won't be mean to me (he's popular in my camp). He's kind of a douchebag, weird, funny type guy, that people like anyway. I honestly just want to be friends, but don't know what to do.
While I understand your reasoning for wanting to be friends again, I have to ask: is your only motivation to be friends is purely so that you have one at camp, or are you interested in being friends with him because you genuinely care for him in a friend way? The reason I ask is simply this: if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons, its honestly going to change the outcome.
Regardless, here are a few tips to get a friendship going.
A) Say hi. Completely unprovoked. Just a casual wave and a small hi. You don’t want it to be anything that would indicate feelings (don’t make flirty looks, use flirty tones, shout it. Just be cool).
B) Do not, if ever you guys start talking, talk about the past if its avoidable. Don’t say you love and miss him (even if you mean it differently now).
C) Try to avoid things that remind you of your time together. If one of the things you did as a couple was dancing a lot or something, don’t do that again as friends. It’ll be too much of a reminder, too familiar. If you even hang out outside of camp, try to do new things that friends would do.
Hope these help a little bit. I also just want to give this small piece of advice: perhaps try to make friends with other people at camp too. And if those people will not be your friend specifically because of your ex, then perhaps its time to find a new camp with better people.
Anonymous asked: One of my male friends is become a woman, which I am totally fine with. But, his "girl voice" sounds a lot like "stereotypical gay guy" voice and its a bit annoying. How can I tell him that he doesn't need to try so hard to put on the act, while staying tactful?
How long has it been since this transition occurred? Your friend is probably still learning how to adjust. If it hasn’t been that long, just try and be patient and let her get her bearings. The more time she spends around people, the more time her speech will fall into a more natural tone. If its been a while (weeks or months), then you could politely inform her that she sounds like she’s trying too hard and she should just be more natural. But I’d honestly be willing to bet it’ll work itself out given some time.
Anonymous asked: Dear Michelle, do people really change? I had a friend I only knew during his toxic relationship. He was controlling, attention-seeking, patronizing, depressing, dramatic and explosively angry, even with a calm face and soft voice; he was also driven, had great taste in media, diet and he cooks (which makes it harder to tell who he is)--I still left him three-five months in our friendship. Now that he's been single, would he be different, a good friend? Did I meet him or a crazy double? Thanks!
People can change for sure. Its hard work but its not impossible. He could’ve been very influenced by the relationship he was in in a negative way. You never know. Honestly the only way to find out is to attempt a friendship again and see for yourself. If its not any different you can withdraw again. If it is and you get a good friendship out of it, then good for you. Worst that can happen is nothing changes, best that can happen is a new friend.
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